Some days are just plain hard

I haven't posted since Thanksgiving. Not because I don't want to, or because I have nothing I want to remember. Instead, things have been crazy busy. Christmas shopping, big projects at work, Olivia-and-Jacob-daily-life, Christmas at Aunt Myra's and here with Maca, Steph, and Stpehen, Christmas with the Beanes.

So, here it is, December 17. My birthday. Big 34 (as my dad would say). Brian tried to make reservations at Twigs, but they are closed on Mondays. (so sad...)

Mainly a normal day- went to work, but did leave early. Went to level 4 with Brian and the kids to pick up new AFO's and nighttime braces. And that's when things started to go downhill. Jeanine made some comment about the possibility of leg braces at the age of four if she still doesn't weight bear. Somehow, I translated that to "Olivia may never walk unassisted." May be a long jump, but lately it doesn't take much to send me spiraling into the pit of negative thinking.

So, I got to the car and cried. Then we got home and I cried. Then I talked to my sister and cried. Then I talked to my mom and cried some more. And I'm sitting here typing with tears in my eyes.

Most of the time, I am pretty strong. I can take the therapy, the tears she sometimes cries when she has to work hard, the developmental delays, seeing other children her age running and climbing and talking. And then there are days like today, when it just plain rips my heart out.

She is my baby girl, and I want her walking. Running. Climbing. Talking. Wrapping her fingers around a ball.

Yes, she is counting and crawling and signing and hugging and laughing. And yes, she is the most precious, happy two year old I have ever met, and she is healthy and loved beyond words. Most days, that is more than enough. But, not today.

Today, it makes me ache all over. Sometimes, I feel like we are just starting to grieve her disabilities. When she was born, we thought, "she'll work out her stiffness in a few months." Then, at a year old, we thought, "she's still behind, but with hip surgery, it makes sense that it will take a while longer to walk." Then, at 18 months, when she stood in her AFO's, we knew stepping and walking weren't so far away. And then there was her sickness at Easter and a growth spurt. No more weight bearing. Yes, crawling came, and she has become much stronger in many ways, but still no weight bearing.

I can't explain why she can't stand, and I have no idea if or when she ever will. That is what makes me ache. The unknown.

Again, most days, I can deal with the unknown. I have faith, I pray, I carry on and trust that she WILL walk one day- unassisted. I savor each blessing, whether in the form of a new word or a good therapy session. I remind myself that so many other children have a more involved form of AMC, and that I should be thankful for her milder condition.

But, not today. Because today, my baby girl isn't walking. She can't.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll be back to being strong. But, today I am weak. As Brian said, it's my birthday and I can cry if I want to.