Balance and healing

Trying to find balance lately. Hasn't been an easy task, but I'm working on it. New job (can I still say that after two months?), family, friends, events. Just a really busy time right now.

Jacob turned 9 last Friday. And in a week, he'll start third grade. I just can't believe it. He has his birthday party tonight at the Crawdad's game. What an amazing kid. I love him so much.

Olivia is still gluten/casein free. I have noticed a difference, even in her physical strength, but not to the extent I was really hoping for. (Of course, I was praying for her speech to just explode...) Maybe we'll see some more progress over time. We are going to keep going with the diet.

We have some friends we haven't talked to in a long while and we just found out this week that their son was diagnosed with autism last year. He is 26 months and non-verbal. They came to the house yesterday to visit and it was so nice to have conversations with them about the diet, the struggles, the journey. They get it. They are seeing a DAN doctor in Asheville, and after talking with them yesterday, I'm ready for us to get an appointment there, too.

I've been researching a lot online lately and I'm beginning to think Olivia has cerebral palsy. We haven't had any doctors mention this, but from everything I've read, it would seem to tie in all of her characteristics (physical and cognitive) together. I don't know...

It isn't easy to spend hours online trying to find answers to your child's disabilities. You start reading, matching characteristics of your child to some obscure syndrome or disease, often reading and praying simultaneously that your child doesn't fit the profile of something horrible, or does fit the profile of something that would respond well to treatment.

Sometimes, I just want to scream. Why? Why our daughter? Why are there no answers? Why can't I know what her maximum potential will be and how to get there so we can stop wondering all the time if we are doing the right things to help her? Why can't she have the life of other three year old children who are running around and having conversations?

Why, God?

I have faith, but that doesn't stop me from having so many questions...
So, I pray. For strength. For peace. For guidance. For God to heal Olivia.

Healing. That's what I need, too. Heal my heart, God.

Well, time to get working. I've been at work almost an hour now, and have only accomplished this blog post. Hope the rest of the day is more productive- lots to do. Teachers start back on Monday, so I think things are going to be more of a whirlwind after today.

I'll start by drying my tears. Focus on all the blessings in my life. Pray for a beautiful, peaceful day here at work and with my amazing family tonight at the ballgame.

Amen.