She misses him on Sunday the most

Four years ago today, daddy died. My heart tells me that it just happened yesterday. And yet, sometimes, my heart fools me into thinking more years than just four have passed.

Stephanie called me last night and said that momma is having a harder time this year. Of course, her life has changed a lot in the last year, so it makes sense that this anniversary might be harder. But, I think we always assume time heals all wounds.

Four years ago, I was six months pregnant with Olivia. Brian drove to my office in Morganton to tell me the news that daddy was gone. I couldn't wrap my head around how I would get through that day, that week. How could I breathe? How could I tell Jacob? How could I go to his memorial service? How could I try to comfort Stephanie and momma when I couldn't hold it together myself?

I learned a lot about grief.

I thought I would be curled up in a ball for days on end, waiting for the pain to subside. It didn't happen that way. The grief came in waves. So, I did breathe on that horrible day. And I did make it through the memorial service. And the three of us, with the help of Brian, Shaun, Coz, Aunt Norma, and the prayers of family and friends, held it together the best we could. I don't cry every day like I did in those first weeks. Time eases the pain... for the most part.

But, grief is also sneaky. Just when I think I'm in control of my emotions and I'm functioning in "normal life" mode, the rug gets pulled out from under me. And the grief will feel as raw and deep as it did on February 16, 2005.

I also learned a lot about my faith. God provided for us in those days after daddy died. He guided us through the darkness and he offered points of light along the way to remind us He was there. A picture of the last time I saw daddy. A newspaper clipping that summed up daddy's life... I strive to treasure moments. A letter to God on Stephanie's wedding day. He knew our grief, better than we did.

I found an old Diamond Rio CD yesterday and I was listening to it on the way home today. I wasn't paying attention to the song until I heard the end of the chorus.

She misses him on Sunday the most.

I can't imagine how it must feel for momma. She lost her husband. I wonder if there are certain days that are harder for her. Does the grief come in waves for her like it does for me? Or does it consume her life?

God, please surround my mother with peace and love. Help her through this anniversary. Let her mind be filled with happy memories of the good times she shared with daddy. Remind her that she will see daddy again, in a better place, where there are no tears or pain.

We miss you daddy.