Sleep deprived thoughts

"Sleep schedule" is a misnomer. At least in my dictionary. I haven't had any semblance of a schedule for quite a while now. Brian is so kind to me on the weekends and I get to take lots of long naps. But, eight hour sleep cycles are a thing of the past.

So, maybe the following emotional post is simply the product of sleep deprivation.


Olivia Paige Murray is my daughter. Brian's daughter. Jacob's sister. Our mystery girl. Our miracle.

I prayed during my pregnancies, like everyone, for healthy children. Boy or girl, it didn't matter. Just give them to me healthy, God.

And our precious firstborn, Jacob- healthy through and through- stole our hearts. I was a mother. I felt a love for him that was indescribable. Every emotion was magnified, from the joy of having a sleeping baby rest in my arms to the heartache of dropping him off at daycare. Our world was changed forever.

Then, almost six years later, our baby girl entered this world, making a unique entrance- breech, legs straight, folded in half, feet at her head.

And our world changed forever again.

It wasn't immediately known that Olivia's issues extended beyond a few stiff joints. It was a long time before we knew about her cognitive delays. We never imagined she wouldn't be walking at age four.

There have been some tough days. While I'm closer to God now than I ever was before my baby girl arrived, I still ask, "Why?" and I'm nowhere near the pillar of strength some friends and family believe me to be. The truth is, if I could choose, her life wouldn't consist of AFO's and fingers that don't bend and hip surgery scars. If I could choose the life I want for my daughter, it would include running in the field behind our house, calling me "mama", and pretending to play house with her baby dolls.

But, I don't get to choose. And, sometimes that's a good thing. Because, if Olivia were any different, our lives would be different. So many blessings would be missing. It simply wouldn't BE our life.

Brian and I have decided not to have any more children. As husband and wife, we came to this decision together and with God. It's true, one of the reasons we decided not to have more children is because we are uncertain if Olivia's condition is genetic. This was OUR decision, and it doesn't imply that we think Olivia's life is less worthy than Jacob's or another "healthy" child. It also doesn't imply that we wouldn't love and raise another child with similar issues. But, just as any other family prays and plans for the size of their family, Brian and I have considered the possibility of having another special needs child, and, along with many other factors, we have decided that our family is complete. Brian, Donna, Jacob, and Olivia.

If God has other plans for us, then so be it. It is in His hands.

As true as it may be, sometimes I don't want to hear about how much "worse it could be." Or how "She looks so normal! Aren't you glad for that?" Yes, it could be worse. Yes, she is beautiful. But, out of all of the blessings Olivia has brought to our lives, those are the least, really. And when I'm feeling overwhelmed and worried, these comments don't help put me at ease. It makes light of our journey. We all have moments that put things into perspective for us. Usually, those moments of clarity come without someone pointing them out to us.

And, if someone decides to have a "large" family, please think before you say things like, "You have been blessed with healthy children. Maybe you should consider not having more, because why would you take the risk of having a child with a disability?" I completely understand the intended sentiment here. "Be happy with your healthy children! Don't risk the heartache of raising a child with special needs."

But, you also imply that my daughter's life is less worthy than the life of a healthy child. That ending up with a child like her isn't worth the risk. That the blessings wouldn't outweigh the heartache.

And, trust me, that couldn't be further from the truth.