Slippery slope

I've been taking Zoloft for the better part of the last six years.  Overall, it has been life-altering, enabling me to keep balanced emotions.  At one point, it seemed to not be helping as effectively, so the doctor doubled the initial dose.  That worries me a little, making me wonder if one day it won't be effective at all...

Overall, my depression and anxiety have been fairly controllable.  But, about two-three weeks ago, my anxiety episodes started back.  I've had these episodes off an on as long as I can remember.  When I was young, they would actually wake me from sleep.  As I got older, the episodes seemed to happen more when I was taking a shower or lying in bed, or any time when I wasn't doing something to keep my mind busy.

Sounds are exaggerated.  Loud and fast.  Even though I know everything is moving at normal speed.  It seems impossible to explain it.  It seems very surreal to live it.  I've always called these episodes my "nightmares in the day time."  While I've never had a doctor diagnose me with anxiety attacks, I assume that's what these episodes are.  A few months ago, I looked online and actually found a message board filled with comments that I could have written myself. 

Monday, I started crying.  Just a few tears at first, but my eyes kept welling up over and over again.  By lunchtime, I was sobbing.  There was no particular reason for the tears.  In fact, my life is moving along very smoothly right now.  But I knew that the recent anxiety episodes along with the crying meant that I was on that slippery slope again...  Crap.

I came home and cried in Brian's arms.  (My sweet husband amazes me.)  The doctor called in some medicine (Abilify) to take with my Zoloft.  It made me very nauseous, so I'm going to try to take a partial pill and work my way up to a whole pill. 

Yesterday was a lot better overall, but I had a nice meltdown during our appointment with Olivia's orthopedic surgeon.  Yes, I cried in front of the doctor.  Actually, I even got defensive with him.  All with snot and mascara on my face.  But, that's a post for another day.

Depression is hard.  It is overwhelming.  It is life-altering.  I'm praying that I'm not spiraling downhill again and that this was just a short relapse into the dark... 

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”  -Joshua 1:9