Renewal

White buds are blooming on the trees outside. The time of transition from winter to spring has started, it seems. I wore my coat today, and my little Christmas flag is still flapping in the breeze outside in the front yard, but the days are getting longer and my thoughts are already turning to the smells of the grill, sunscreen, and the sound of children laughing as they splash in the pool.

Spring. What a wonderful season.

One of my favorite songs is by Nichole Nordeman-- Every Season. She describes each season and then how God can be found in each. It was the perfect song for me when daddy died, as I was six months pregnant with Olivia and was devastated that I would never see him hold her. He died in the winter that year, and our baby girl arrived that spring.

This winter, I've struggled with coming to terms with Olivia's conditions. (I struggle to even know the right word to use- conditions? disabilities? differences? progress? diagnosis?) We've been through the assessments, we've become accustomed to the life of therapy sessions throughout the week, and arthrogryposis has become a common vocabulary word. But, this winter, I had a hard time coming to terms with it all. A lot of reasons for that, I think. First of all, I never thought Olivia would still not be walking and talking at the age of three. I just assumed she would "catch up" before now. Second, we are surrounded by unknowns. There are no answers about the future. Not that there ever ARE. But I have these expectations of Olivia dancing at her prom, getting married and having children, and running around on the playground... and no idea if these things will happen...

And I've battled with how I should feel, not just how I do feel. I'm her mother. I should expect her to walk and talk and if I expect less, I feel guilty- like I don't believe in her (which couldn't be further from the truth). And then in the same thought, I feel like I must deal with reality. The future is unknown and thinking she is going to "catch up" might be unrealistic and I don't know how I'll be able to handle the heartbreak if she doesn't walk or advance cognitively like her peers.

So, I'm somewhere stuck in the middle, I guess. Guilty, scared, speechless, sad. And hopeful, diligent, and... FAITHFUL.

Spring is coming. Olivia started standing last week. She started taking steps with her walker last week. She waved and said "bye" today. There is hope.

Spring is coming. My dark winter is ending, and I find myself more at peace as the days go by. I'm still stuck in the middle of all these emotions, and maybe I will always be, but at the end of the day, my hope and faith win. God is granting me peace.

He makes all things new.

Spring is coming...



And everything that's new, has bravely surfaced, teaching us to breathe. And what was frozen through, is newly purposed, turning all things green. So it is with You, and how You made me new, with every season's change. And so it will be, as You are recreating me, Summer, Autumn, Winter...Spring.