Undefined.

This word keeps appearing in the crevices of my mind.

Undefined.

Yesterday, Olivia napped from 5:00 until 10:30. The nap turned into her night sleep. So, I tried to go to bed at 8:00, knowing that my night would prove to be a long, restless one. Two hours after falling asleep, Miss O was awake. And happy to be so.

After readjusting to daytime mode, I settled in with a yummy snack (which is not on the new diet list, but in my state of sleep deprevation I really felt like I deserved it).

A little (lot) of Noggin... middle of the night dinner and a bath for my girl... a long hot bath for me at 1:30 (with the laptop beside the tub so I could watch an old episode of the Love Boat)... washing and drying tie-dye shirts to wear to opening session on Thursday... some cuddle time on the floor with my chickadee (which lasted about a minute and a half before she decided her Blue's Clues book was much more interesting than resting with mommy).

4:00 a.m.- I babyproofed the area (baby gate up at the steps, bathroom door closed) and settled in on the couch to get a little more sleep. In and out for the next three hours. I think O slept for about an hour of that time.

Sleep pattern?

Undefined.

For over a month, I've been hearing my heartbeat in my right ear. It's loud. It's annoying. It's going to send me to a mental institution before all is said and done. I'm certain of it. Had a CT scan on Monday. Hoping the results show something that is easy to correct. Let's be honest, even if it is difficult to correct, I'm just hoping there is a way to fix this.

Level of sanity?

Undefined.

School starts back next week. Jacob is excited. He says he's bored. I wish we could have done more with him this summer. I love my job, but I do miss summer days off. I worry so much about his reading... and I haven't done what I should have done to work on his reading skills this summer.

He's such a cool kid. This weekend, he was telling us how much he wanted Big D to be in his class next year. Big D is a "little person". His name is David, but I must say that I like his nickname. Big D and his dad came by the house one day earlier this year, riding up on a motorcycle. So, as Jacob was talking about his hopes for Big D to be in the same class, he said, "You know, Big D- the one whose dad has the motorcycle."

It seriously melted my heart. He doesn't define Big D by his differences or limitatations. To me, it's another reminder that Olivia's life has impacted Jacob's in ways we'll never fully know. I love it. I love him.


I think God intends for us to plan. To dream. Plot a path for our lives and then start the journey. But, the last few years have taught me that my dreams are limited. Limited by my sight. Limited by my understanding. Limited because I defined the path I wanted, the path I thought was best.

I've learned that my path is

undefined.

Well, to me, anyway. I believe God's path for me and my life is clearly defined. His understanding is perfectly defined. Better than that, it is DIVINE. And I have to trust in that. In Him.

I won't say it's easy. It sure wasn't easy this morning after a sleepless night and with the whoosh whoosh in my ear. It isn't easy when I try to envision Olivia's future and sometimes the only things I can see are wheelchairs and diapers.

But sometimes, often when I so desperately need it, God helps me see a bit more clearly. The definition of my life comes into focus, even if just for a fleeting moment. And I remember how Jacob, Brian, and I are being changed by this life we have together with each other and with Olivia. I begin to realize that "normal" doesn't really have a definition, so I don't have to try so hard to make Olivia's life fit into that predefined box. I begin to see the faint outline of my path, of God's plan for me.

In times like that, when I can see God working on me- in me- I realize I must let go. I quit trying to define it all.

And I let Him redefine me.